The Things We Never Say by Elizabeth Strout: Book Club Questions (12 Questions + Icebreakers)
Book club questions for a thoughtful discussion about modern life and relationships.
The Things We Never Say is a subtle book, but the story can ignite deep and personal discussion about the novel, how it depicts modern daily life, and how you do or don’t relate.
Strout’s eleventh novel follows Artie Dam, a decent man in his late fifties navigating a quietly failing marriage, a recent presidential election result that shook him, and the relationships with family, colleagues, neighbors that have defined and sometimes disappointed him. It’s a quiet, controlled book. Most readers are moved by its precision and its honest portrait of modern disconnection. Personally, I’m troubled by a worldview that feels relentlessly bleak. Wherever you land, I love how this book opens up many avenues for conversation at book club.
If you want more on the reading experience before the meeting, my full audiobook review covers The Things We Never Say, the narration, and where this falls in Strout’s body of work.
In case you haven’t gotten a copy yet, The Things We Never Say is available on Audible and Libro.fm, and it’s a quick listen if you want something for a plane flight or day trip. (affiliate links)
Character and Motivation
1. Strout frames Artie as a decent man. He’s not cruel, he’s not selfish in any dramatic way. Did you find him sympathetic over the course of the novel? Where, if anywhere, did you want him to do something differently?
2. Artie’s marriage is fraying, but the reasons are mostly left unstated. What did you come to understand about what went wrong between him and his wife, and whose version of events, if anyone’s, do you trust most?
3. Several characters in the book reach toward Artie for connection – for acknowledgment, attention, or comfort – and those bids largely go unanswered. Were there moments where you felt Artie was failing the people around him? Or where other people failed him?
4. Flossy: how did your group read her? How did you feel about the role she played in the story?
Themes and Ideas
5. Strout is interested in loneliness as a condition of modern life, not a personal failing, but something almost structural. Did the book feel, to your group, like an observation about how we actually live? Or did it feel like a constructed world that’s more disconnected than reality?
6. The novel is full of what might be called failed bids for connection: moments where one person reaches toward another and the reach goes unanswered. Where did your group feel that dynamic most sharply?
7. The 2024 presidential election runs through the book as a backdrop to Artie’s personal life. Did that feel like a meaningful element of the story to you, or did it feel like an intrusion on the more personal story?
8. What other authors or books have you read about modern everyday life? How do they compare in terms of what does each author seems to believe about people and about the state of life today?
Craft, Structure, and the Ending
9. The novel is built from short passages and brief scenes. Did that form work for you, or did it keep you at arm’s distance from the story? What does that structure do to the experience of reading about loneliness specifically?
10. Strout’s prose is controlled and deliberately understated. Where did that restraint feel like the right choice? Where did you wish she’d given you more?
11. The Things We Never Say is Strout’s first novel set entirely outside Maine. Did that feel significant? Or did the world of the book feel continuous with her earlier work regardless of setting?
12. The ending. Did it feel appropriate to the emotional register of everything that came before it, or did it feel like it was trying to do something different?
On a Personal Note: Icebreakers
Use these as an icebreaker to open the evening, or as a closing round to end on something warmer than the book itself does.
1. Think of a moment when you needed connection or support and someone actually showed up for you, not in a grand way, just in the right way at the right time.
2. Strout’s characters often talk past each other without meaning to. Is there someone in your life you feel genuinely heard by? What does that person do differently?
3. The book is about a man who has lived a decent, ordinary life and is only now starting to reckon with it. Is there something you’ve put off reckoning with, perhaps a relationship, a choice, a chapter you haven’t fully closed?
4. If the people closest to you were asked what you’re like when you’re not at your best, what would they say?
If Your Group Loved This
Olive Kitteridge by Elizabeth Strout: Strout’s most accessible book for readers new to her, partly because Olive herself is prickly enough to be funny. If the group connected with Artie’s world, they’ll want this.
Olive Kitteridge on Audible or Libro.fm (affiliate links).
The Correspondent by Virginia Evans: A similar reflective register and similar territory: relationships, the small accumulations of an ordinary life. But with considerably more optimism about what people are capable of. Good for groups who want to stay in the mood but need a breath of air.
My The Correspondent audiobook review
Three Days in June by Anne Tyler: If your group spent time arguing about whether Strout’s vision of people is fair, this is the direct follow-up read. Tyler covers almost identical territory with more generosity toward her characters.
Three Days in June on Audible or Libro.fm (affiliate links).
Listen Now
I only recommend audiobooks and resources I’ve personally experienced. This post contains affiliate links — if you purchase through them, I earn a small commission at no extra cost to you.
🎧 Audible — Start The Things We Never Say free with Audible’s trial
🎧 Libro.fm — Listen and support indie bookstores simultaneously
📖 Hardcover — The physical companion for your shelf
FAQ
Is The Things We Never Say a good fit for all book clubs?
It depends less on the book and more on the group. Groups that enjoy open-ended, thematic discussion will have a rich meeting. Groups that prefer plot-forward novels or need to feel warmly toward the characters may find it harder going. It’s best for groups comfortable with sitting in ambiguity at the end.
Do you need to have read other Strout books to appreciate this one?
No prior Strout is required. The Things We Never Say stands entirely on its own, and it’s actually her first novel set outside the world of Olive Kitteridge and Lucy Barton. That said, groups who have read her earlier work will have an additional layer of conversation available to them: how this fits into her body of work, and whether it feels like an evolution or a continuation.
How long does a The Things We Never Say book club discussion typically run?
Ninety minutes is realistic for a thorough discussion. The book is short enough that most members will have finished it, which tends to make for more engaged conversation. The character and ending questions are where most groups will linger.
Is The Things We Never Say similar to other quiet literary fiction?
The closest comparison is Anne Tyler. Three Days in June in particular covers similar territory (ordinary lives, small domestic moments, relationships that are hard to define). The tonal difference is significant: Tyler is warmer. If your group wants the same reflective register with more emotional generosity, Tyler is the clear next read.
What’s the “failed bids for attention” thing, and how should we talk about it in book club?
It comes from relationship research: the idea that what holds relationships together isn’t grand gestures but small, daily moments of one person reaching toward another and being met with acknowledgment. Strout’s books are built around characters who reach and are not met. Whether that’s a portrait of how modern life actually works, or a specific authorial choice that gives her fiction its particular flavor, is one of the most interesting questions your group can dig into.
